Confessions of a Scofflaw

12/6/2007:

Many of us have been in situations where you just “had to go”, and especially during our local St. Patrick’s Day parade, dozens of tickets are handed out for public urination.

However, today we have a fun two-part story from a Hoboken resident (and Hoboken411 reader) who was in a similar situation recently in New York City, and openly shares his story about his offense, and what happened afterward.

Confessions of a Scofflaw

Or “Why they hate Jersey in NYC”

hoboken-hoboke411-confessions-of-a-scofflaw.jpgAs soon as I heard that dreaded “whoop”, I knew I was busted. Looking up, my fears were confirmed. Not twenty feet away sat a white NYPD van with two officers staring at me, one with a microphone in hand.

“Get over here!” he barked over the loudspeaker into the dark Greenwich Village night.

Not 15 minutes before, I had left a bar on the Lower East Side and walked due west to the Christopher Street PATH station. As always, I forgot to hit the men’s room before leaving the bar.

As I got to the station, I realized that it might be a full half-hour before the next train came. Then another 15 minutes before I got to my apartment on Washington Street. There was no way I could wait 45 minutes!

“I tried,” I thought to myself. “I really tried to find a nice quiet spot to relieve my beer-besieged bladder before descending into the station for the PATH ride home.”

What I failed to notice, however, was that my chosen spot was directly adjacent to a NYPD precinct house. D’oh!

Zipping up as quickly as I could, I sheepishly approached the van.

“Good evening, officers! Staying safe tonight?”

“Let’s see some ID.” Apparently my friendly, clean-cut all-American presence was not going to win them over.

Continue reading the rest of this story after the jump!

My interrogators were an interesting mix which reflected the new faces of the NYPD: a middle-aged African-American man and an young and pretty (but more on that later) Latina woman.

hoboken-nypd-angry-cop.jpgAs soon as he whipped out his pen and paper, I knew I was to be the recipient of the notorious “C Summons”, a prime feature of the Giuliani-inspired “quality of life” enforcement campaign. Immediately, I joined the ranks of jaywalkers, litterers, consumers of alcohol in public, and fellow urinators who would need to navigate the lowest rung of the New York City court system.

“Ever been arrested before?” asked the older cop.

“No, sir.” I replied, secretly hoping that my nose was not growing and that the computer in the van was not linked to the legendary Permanent Record that we were always threatened with back in junior high. “Nope. Not me.”

As Serious Cop wrote out my summons, the inevitable happened. That little voice from deep in my beer-sodden brain began to whisper. “Flirt with the hot female cop. Flirt with her! Do it now!”

sexy-nypd-cop-hoboken411.jpgI obeyed the voice.

Knowing I couldn’t actually say anything with Serious Cop there, I caught her eye and gave her a smile which, at the time, I thought conveyed my self-assured nonchalance at being caught in such a silly situation, and implying that if we had met in different circumstances we would be making out within minutes.

For reasons that we’ll never know, this caused her to begin to giggle uncontrollably. I like to think that she succumbed to my charms, but in retrospect it was probably because a booze-fueled frat boy who she had just seen whizzing in an alley was clownishly trying to impress her.

As I took the little pink piece of paper which instructed me to appear at Manhattan Criminal Court, both of the officers spoke to me very slowly and directly: “Do NOT blow off the court date. You MUST show up in person.”

“No problem!” I replied, while crumpling the summons into a small paper ball of sheer nervousness. Both officers rolled their eyes in unison.

“Have a good night and be safe.” I told them as I walked away toward the PATH, as if being especially courteous AFTER receiving the summons would somehow lead them to call me back, befriend me, tear up the pink paper, and say, “Awww, you’re not such a bad guy after all!” Nope. Just an icy stare from Serious Cop and more giggling from the young hottie.

The PATH platform was surprisingly deserted, considering that it was 4 am on a Saturday, but I quickly spied two people who I could befriend.

“You wouldn’t believe what just happened to me!” I said as I sat down next to them. I soon learned that they were Jeannine and Jennifer, and both were hairdressers from Harrison.

As soon as they found that I lived in Hoboken, they became extremely interested in what I did for a living. Sensing that I was in the presence of two gold-diggers, I said with a straight face, “Pest control. You know…extermination. Rodents. Bugs. Sometimes even larger animals like chickens and waterfowl.” As if on cue, a train pulled into the station and they scurried away to a far-off car.

As I sat down on the hard orange train seat, I began to contemplate what had happened. I thought about the law, justice, and public standards of decency. But then my mind turned to more important things. “That hot Latina cop…” I thought. “I wonder if she’ll be at my court date?”

Coming soon… Part II: The Court Date.

Leave a Reply

30 Comments on "Confessions of a Scofflaw"


Katie_Scarlett
Member
8 years 9 months ago

[quote comment=”57331″]So let me get this straight… you approach 2 women at 4 in the morning and tell them you were pissing in public and got a ticket. And when they feigned interest in your incredibly glamorous life in Hoboken, you decided they were golddiggers who should be blown off. Yeah, you’re God’s gift alright.[/quote]
How dare you mock the assistant to the assistant to the assistant of the guy who is the assistant of the direct assistant to the trader at [insert financial institution here]!!!! 😆 😆 😆

And the worst part is… he was never potty trained!

Amandla
Member
Amandla
8 years 9 months ago

So let me get this straight… you approach 2 women at 4 in the morning and tell them you were pissing in public and got a ticket. And when they feigned interest in your incredibly glamorous life in Hoboken, you decided they were golddiggers who should be blown off. Yeah, you’re God’s gift alright.

Dr. Midnight
Member
Dr. Midnight
8 years 9 months ago

That was some story. Can’t wait for part 2. 🙄

FAP
Member
FAP
8 years 9 months ago

[quote comment=”57106″][quote comment=”56917″]Go a couple feet into the dark, and pee on the wall, away from the tracks. The infamous 3rd rail will be adjacent the opposite wall, and it will be elevated so that even if you do puddle in that direction, you’re ok.

Or so I imagine.[/quote]

Electricity conducts, but you would have to be within inches of the third rail to get electructed through your own piss.

They did a similar experiment on Myth Busters, with an electrified fence. :)[/quote]

Well I don’t like to brag but that could be a problem for some of us.
😆

Furey
Member
8 years 9 months ago

[quote comment=”56917″]Go a couple feet into the dark, and pee on the wall, away from the tracks. The infamous 3rd rail will be adjacent the opposite wall, and it will be elevated so that even if you do puddle in that direction, you’re ok.

Or so I imagine.[/quote]

Electricity conducts, but you would have to be within inches of the third rail to get electructed through your own piss.

They did a similar experiment on Myth Busters, with an electrified fence. 🙂

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