Quiznos vs. Subway (Battle of the Worst)
Or better yet, Quiznos + Subway = Colonoscopy.
There seems to be a continual stream of these ridiculous TV commercials involving both Subway and Quiznos. On one side, you have Quiznos mocking the lack of meat on the Subway steak sandwich, and on the other side, you have Jon Lovitz, washed up SNL alumni acting as a “Dinner Theater Thespian” hollering “Eat Steak!!” The Onion has a funny spoof on how Lovitz says “Income From Subway Commercials Allows Him A Certain Creative Freedom“.
So I was thinking about lunch on my way back into Hoboken this morning, and that it’d be a great idea to compare the two sandwiches at the local downtown Quiznos and Subway. Even though I never liked Quiznos each time I ate there on 34th St. in the city and swore I’d never eat it again, I’d give it one last shot.
Boy, what a mistake.
I went to the Quiznos first. As I walked in at prime lunch time, it was curiously quiet. Makes you think, no? Not heeding the obvious warning signs, I proceed to place an order for the much advertised and cosmetically beautified Prime Rib sandwich.
As not to meddle with their standard way of doing business, I just said “regular prime rib” and pointed to the sign. I wasn’t too comfortable watching them make it. It was a strange process. Meat was heated up, placed into some odd bucket, and some plunger squished the juice or water out of it. Then they placed it on some bread which had a lot of mayo on it. They placed 4 slices of swiss cheese on it, sprinkled some seasoning on it, then stuffed it into this rotating oven. They asked me if I wanted toppings, but somehow, the dude convinced me it wasn’t a good idea to add lettuce or tomato to it. I played along and watched him try and wrap this sloppy nightmare up. Total cost for this health hazard: $8.55.
Next we go to Subway, then unveil the monsters.
Around the corner was the Subway, across the street from the J. Wiley building. There was a line of about 4 or 5 people, which made me feel a little better. But I’m not sure if it was just the fact that the people that work nearby are too lazy to walk the extra block.
I tried thinking about which sandwich was supposed to be the comparable one to the Quiznos version, and the only thing that resembled it was the “Steak and Cheese” sandwich. I made a mistake though, because after checking further I should have ordered the “Chipotle Southwest Cheese Steak”. Oh well.
I proceeded to place an order for the small sandwich on the Italian Herbs & Cheese bread. I watched as the guy picks up a paper tray and just plops some brown squares with green and red pepper bits onto the bread. I think homeless shelters have a better food preparation process. He puts two small slices of swiss cheese on and then “zaps” it in the nuclear convection oven they have there. Looks toasted, but it’s instantly room temperature the minute it comes out. Amazing!
WAY OFF the description Subway gives: “tender cuts of seared, diced steak, blended with fire-roasted and grilled sweet bell peppers and onions, topped off with cheese, then “fresh Toasted”™ to draw out its full flavor and texture.” Since when did the phrase “fresh Toasted” Become a trademark anyway? Will I get sued if I review a bagel place and say it was “fresh toasted”?
Anyway, as I’d usually do at Subway, I get some standard toppings, lettuce, tomato, cucumbers and onions. They wrap it up and total comes out to: $5.13. The one thing that pisses me off about the Quiznos marketing campaign is that they compare the “meat”, but they don’t mention PRICE. Double meat on that sandwich would have been a dollar extra. I could have gotten three additional helpings of meat and made it the same cost as the Quiznos sandwich. Why don’t they mention that?
Now to open the beasts and sample them.
For starters, the Subway sandwich, while less expensive, was much smaller than the Quiznos:
Now the bad part. I unwrap them. As you can see, the Quiznos sandwich certainly does look bigger, and the meat does come out the side. It was greasy and slithering, but wait until I open them.
Once I open the Quiznos, I get a bit “Queasy-no’d” looking at it. Appears worse than a dead possum the Hoboken DPW cleaned up off Jackson Street last night. Or better yet, like The Consumerist wrote in their review of Quiznos: “Gentlemen, that’s not prime rib: it’s a bowel movement that has pulled half of a diseased colon away with it. How can Quiznos possibly get away with calling that prime rib?”
Here’s another picture link from College Humor: http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1680128
The Subway one wasn’t nearly as bad, and I’m glad I got no mayo and it had less quantity of suspicious meat, and more somewhat healthy veggies. Although I had to dig for the cat-food like meat product, and still looked sloppy, it tasted marginally better.
Both sandwiches in general are god-awful. The Quiznos Prime Rib didn’t even resemble any kind of roast beef. I’ve honestly never tasted meat like that, which is why they usually drown their pathetic excuses for food in wacky sauces and crap. The only way I’ll ever eat Quiznos again, is if my life depended on it. Then again, that’s an oxymoron, because I’d probably die quickly if I ate that daily. It’s just a shame that this kind or phony marketing exists today, making food look completely unlike the product you actually get.
I can generally eat Subway, but not this faux Government Grade D-minus steak. They usually have pretty refreshing veggies, and the bread is pretty light.
Luckily I didn’t eat them all, but if I don’t survive the heightened cholesterol and blood pressure, can someone take over the Hoboken411 duties?