Safe Space Violations and Hate Speech

Same show in Hoboken with different characters

Here’s our latest installment of the new {almost real} Hoboken Police Blotter. Proving that it doesn’t matter if it’s really true – as similar instances may have already happened, or eventually will.

Hoboken Almost Real Police Blotter August 2016

(Note: all names and events are fictional – and for the sake of parody.)

“Assaulted” because of safe space violation

safe space assault hoboken NJ22-year-old Jersey City resident Stefan Flin called 911, claiming he was “being held captive” by an “assailant” on Adams Street at approximately 2:30pm this past Monday.

When Hoboken Police arrived on scene, they discovered that Mr. Flin was standing with his bicycle, completely unharmed, behind a pickup truck which had blocked the bike lane.

“I cannot bypass this illegally parked vehicle without exiting my SAFE SPACE!” exclaimed the complainant. “This is an outright assault on my rights,” he continued, adding that he was “being held hostage,” and missed a Yoga class as a result.

Several minutes later, the driver of the pickup emerged, 52-year-old Matt Schwartz, a tile contractor out of Secaucus, and was questioned by HPD. He was sent on his way with an obligatory warning. HPD also sent Mr. Flin on his way, with a handy list of places that sell quality testicles for real men.

Hate Speech bitch-fest at local Hoboken pub

hate speech assault hoboken NJSeveral local residents gathered at the Nag’s Head bar along First Street earlier this week to watch NYC rivals Yankees and Mets play a ball game.

Things were going well, but as inebriation set in for some patrons, tensions rose in the latter innings of the game.

“Tanaka is a loser! Send him back to Japan!” yelled one Yankees fan. Then in the next inning when Mets 2nd baseman Neil Walker struck out, a Mets fan shouted “You suck! My senile grandma would do better for $10 million a year!

Shocked by why she felt was “hate speech,” 26-year-old Kristin Wilson (who was not watching the game, but texting friends) became irate and verbally accosted the two baseball fans, who were enjoying the game without friction, despite rooting for different teams. “How dare you insult Japanese people and senior citizens!”

After she spilled drinks on both patrons, the bartender called police to remedy the situation. By the time HPD arrived, she had broken a bar stool while sending a live video stream to Fakebook claiming her ears were “auditory rape victims of hate speech.”

She was arrested for disorderly conduct, but an investigation is still under way for the two fans for their allegedly hateful speech.

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