What are the latest “crimes” in Hoboken?

Most Hoboken crimes involve some degree of stupidity

Here’s our latest installment of the new {almost real} Hoboken Police Blotter. Proving that it doesn’t matter if it’s really true – as similar instances may have already happened, or eventually will.

almost real Hoboken Police Blotter pretty much sums it all up

(Note: all names and events are fictional – and for the sake of parody.)

Area man questioned for “looking funny.”

A Hoboken “trigger-unhappy” woman, aged 22, got “offended” when a man across the bar was, according to her testimony, “looking at her in a funny way.”

She phoned the police (citing that he was about to “rape” her), and three Hoboken officers arrived on the scene to assess the situation.

After questioning the young man (29), he became slightly hostile towards police, which almost led to his arrest. “What the fuck is wrong with looking at another person? I was 30 feet away, and never spoke a word to that stupid bitch!” the person in question said.

Hoboken Police Lieutenant Smith carefully quelled the situation by suggesting to the person in question that he just ignore it entirely – to “pretend the bitch was a stale piece of bread – you don’t want that…”

After speaking to the female who phoned in the complaint, they closed the call as “solved – unnecessary.” The woman had triggering issues which do not have statutory implications at this time, and probably won’t until after the 2016 Presidential elections.

One of the officers who responded (and requested anonymity) said “I swear, if these types of calls continue – I’ll put a bullet in one of their heads just to make it stop.”

Parent arrested for letting child live life

An uptown father of two was arrested and jailed for “letting his kids live their lives” last week.

The Hoboken parent was spotted by a social justice warrior at a local park, “allowing a child to walk on the grass more than six feet from a guardian.”

The 20-year old complainant told police, “I’ve never seen such a blatant disregard for human life in my entire existence. Who lets a four-year old more than six feet from them? That’s worse than the holocaust!”

Responding officers had a dilemma on their hands. Ignore the stupid twit and let the parent continue being a parent – or deal with the incessant aftermath of a scorned SJW. They chose to “arrest” the man and bring him to police HQ to “appease” the illogical liberal.

On the way to the police station, they clued the parent in to what they were doing, and they all had a great laugh. At Police HQ they shared coffee and donuts while they compared notes. An hour later the man was returned home, no charges being filed – and a note of apology from Chief of Police, Ken Ferrante, who later said, “I think the ‘offended’ people are becoming the biggest problem in Hoboken. Above and beyond actual crime and physical violence. I do not have a sensible plan on how to deal with this new situation. I’ll get back to you if I do…”

Hoboken visitor shot dead {wait till you see why!}

A first-time visitor to Hoboken was shot dead by police this past weekend over at the relatively new Grand Vin bar near 5th Street and Grand Street.

Police responded to a minor fracas near the restrooms, when they saw a man “appear to don a weapon like a firearm,” and immediately shot the man dead.

After investigators finished at the scene, it was determined that the man was simply “unfolding” a “flip phone” of days past (it was four years old).

In a press release, Hoboken Police offered no apologies, saying they “felt threatened” by his “jerky actions” and likened his motions to “that of someone un-holstering a gun with the intention to kill.”

When questioned how Hoboken Police used to handle times when almost everyone had a “flip-phone,” this reporter got no response and a juggling head of befuddlement from the police chief.

Another one bites the dust in the cloud of technology slavery. Too bad!

Share your {almost real} Hoboken stories!

Like this idea? Want to practice your creative writing? Send your contributions in to hoboken411@gmail.com – and specify how you’d like to be credited.

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