Thieves, Tools & Twits

Yes, you can make this stuff up!

Here’s our latest installment of the new {almost real} Hoboken Police Blotter. Proving that it doesn’t matter if it’s really true – as similar instances may have already happened, or eventually will.

almost real Hoboken Police Blotter thieves tools and twits

(Note: all names and events are fictional – and for the sake of parody.)

Petty Hoboken shrimp thief fills slow news day

shrimp thief hoboken NJ police blotterWith the recent Hoboken flooding a faint memory, police were struggling to get some “gripping” news – and the best they could come up with was a kid who got busted trying to pilfer a few bags of “gourmet” shrimp from the ShopRite Supermarket. It was not his first time getting caught stealing shrimp. He probably got away with it numerous times in-between getting busted.

A Hoboken detective said he was “utterly clueless” as to why in the world this kid would steal multiple bags of shrimp, multiple times. That’s where the investigation ended. Good job, Sherlock Holmes!

Have you seen Hoboken rents? And the constant revolving door of doomed businesses?

These were stolen to be served at a local restaurant (name withheld). That $95 worth of shrimp would have translated into at least $400 of pure “Daily Special Profit” for that local restaurant! Do that a few times a month, and you’re in the black!

Uniform Battle of Stupidity

hockey girl fight Hoboken NJ stanley cup finalsTwo “mystery” girls are wanted by Hoboken police after a scuffle broke out this past Saturday night at McSwiggan’s during the NHL Stanley Cup Finals.

The girls, who’s identity is unknown beyond CCTV images of them throwing beer bottles at one another. Allegedly, the two were wearing “competing” hockey jerseys, in which they wore to “match their eye shadow,” and had nothing to do with allegiance to either of the teams competing.

When one team scored, the girl on the winning end “taunted” the other girl as looking like “trailer trash.” At which point the bottle-throwing ensued – smashing one of the flat-screen tv panels, and causing minor scrapes to one of the bartenders.

The girls, who came alone in search of filthy one-night stands fled the scene on foot. Police remain on the lookout for these dim-witted twits, but aren’t losing sleep over this alcohol-infused display of human evolution in reverse.

Tool steals phone charger to “get back home”

cell phone charger thief Hoboken NJ27 year old Hoboken resident “Biffy McClure,” who resides on 1st Street, ventured out of his four-block radius comfort zone on Thursday night to meet up with a girl he met on social media hookup site Tinder. They chose Madison Bar on 14th Street as their rendezvous point.

After less than one hour, the girl realized how much bullshit meeting someone online was – and decided to bid farewell, go home and read a book.

Biffy, now eager to try his luck on his “home field,” realized that his phone was dead – and he didn’t have a charger. He was completely unable to navigate his way home without accessing the Uber App on his Droid. Asking everyone at Madison if he could “borrow” their chargers for a few minutes yielded no luck, since everyone had an iPhone. However, one girl, “Melissa,” did have a USB phone, but refused to let Biffy use it because she was “waiting for a very important text.”

McClure then snatched the charger and fled the bar. However, since he couldn’t find an electrical outlet to charge his phone, he ended up literally running in circles like a chicken with no head until police arrived, who apprehended him and charged him with simple theft.

Another piece of evidence of the devolution of humanity!

Share your {almost real} Hoboken stories!

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