Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Again.

Yeah, you can make this stuff up

Here’s our latest installment of the {almost real} Hoboken Police Blotter. Proving that it doesn’t matter if it’s really true – as similar instances may have already happened, or eventually will.

Hoboken Police Blotter Suspicious - Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Again.

(Note: all names and events are fictional – and for the sake of parody.)

People shot – business carries on in Hoboken

The other day – two thugs were shot by two other thugs within hours of each other in and around the Hoboken Projects. Both “victims” are expected to thrive and be back on the streets causing trouble again in no time!

Shockingly, the Hoboken “community” didn’t really “react” in a way that you’d expect. No one was cowering in fear. Didn’t make big headlines. News was “shrugged off.”

“Shots fired” is to the projects as “drunk fight” is to the rest of town? Par for the course?

Suspicion on the rise after big, bad, scary news broadcasts

While thousands die every day due to eating too much sugar, popping toxic meds, or texting while driving – recent “news” reports about overheating kitchen appliances has everyone running in fear.

Local resident Karen Smythe and her roommate Tiara frantically phone Hoboken Police yesterday, noticing that a legally parked minivan was a bit older than most cars in town, and had “wires” in the back seat. They immediately felt suspicious of it, thinking it had to belong to a terrorist. “Who has a car older than 2010 model year?” she exclaimed.

Police arrived to find the 2007 Dodge Caravan in good shape and tracked down the owner. After questioning, he was released. Turns out he was a traveling wedding DJ and just had turntables, amplifiers and speakers in the back seat.

Wealthy brownstone vandalized – community bonds together

An uptown Hudson Street brownstone was vandalized early Monday morning by unknown actors.

When local homeowner Keven Pitra walked out to get the morning paper, he noticed a small, barely visible patch of graffiti on his steps which read “Fuk da Bankstas!”

Immediately frightened for his life – he reported the incident to Police, citing “hate speech.” They came by and took the details, suggesting he remove the offending message with paint thinner and a wire brush.

Afterward, he created a GoFundMe page and family and friends organized a candlelight vigil to “stop the hate.” Mr. Pitra was too scared to talk to reporters and has apparently put the home up for sale ($2.1 million). A neighbor told us that he said “All of Hoboken is now a ghetto. I have to find a safer place!”

Share your {almost real} Hoboken stories!

Like this idea? Want to practice your creative writing? Send your contributions in to – and specify how you’d like to be credited.

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