Not ready for urban living

Same show in Hoboken with different stunt doubles

Here’s our latest installment of the new {almost real} Hoboken Police Blotter. Proving that it doesn’t matter if it’s really true – as similar instances may have already happened, or eventually will.

almost real Hoboken Police Blotter city living

(Note: all names and events are fictional – and for the sake of parody.)

“Quiet drunk” arrested for “acting out of character”

A casual night on the town with friends turned out to be a night in the slammer for 29-year old Bergenfield, NJ man “Matt Simon.”

Simon, who met up with his Hoboken friends over at 1 Republik Wednesday night said he was enjoying a fun night filled with conversation and laughs, when all of a sudden a brawl broke out at the bar. Allegedly someone accidentally got a drop of liquid on another patron’s iPhone when all hell broke loose.

Mr. Simon, however, despite being inebriated, still had a level head and chose not to get involved with the fracas and removed himself from harm’s way.

HPD arrived and arrested two men, along with Mr. Simon, who “looked too well behaved to be believed,” and charged him with being involved in the altercation, adding “that man is a great actor, by the way, he almost fooled us!”

Police also cited recent studies which indicate that 99.99% of moderate bar fights include participants who have no idea why or what they’re fighting about.

City dwellers call cops over urban noise

Hoboken residents call cops on trainMany downtown residents phoned in complaints to the Hoboken Police Department last week.

What were they complaining about? City noise.

Urban settings like Hoboken are initially big draws for many newcomers. Features like being a “walkable city,” with a vibrant nightlife, easy access to the city that never sleeps, as well as public transportation in all directions.

As a result, they love living close to transportation hubs like Lackawanna Plaza. But all bets are out the window when these snobby residents are “done” with the services for the day. Since the world (supposedly) revolves around them, and no one else – they don’t want any of the “noise” associated with things like those trains they used just hours previously.

Being conned into over-paying for thin-walled condos – many of those residents became angry when a train engine was actually on.

When police realized that these people living in the middle of a densely-populated also complained about the “environmental” concerns of the trains, the “reports” found themselves in the recycling bin quite quickly.

Share your {almost real} Hoboken stories!

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Friday, July 10, 2015 11:30 pm

I (had) friends that lived near the train terminal that constantly complained about the noise.

They didn’t appreciate the fact that I suggested that they knew they were moving near a major hub. Took such offense that it may have been their own lack of awareness to their surroundings that was causing their angst.

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