Out of place: Socially & Biologically!

Nothing is out of the question in Hoboken

Here’s the latest installment of the {almost real} Hoboken Police Blotter. Proving that it doesn’t matter if it’s really true – as these instances may have happened already, or eventually will – especially if we are on the current trajectory.

almost real Hoboken Police Blotter social media homeless

(Note: all names and events are fictional – and for the sake of parody.)

Man arrested for NOT having cell phone

man arrested for not having cell phone in Hoboken NJThursday night turned out much worse than 41 year-old Hoboken resident “Paul Smythe” expected it to.

Mr. Smythe, who had a rare night alone, as his wife “Penelope” took their son to the “in-laws,” decided to try and socialize with his neighbors at a local bar (Mills Tavern) downtown.

Wearing a nice shirt and some khaki shorts, he headed over to the “watering hole” just two blocks from his apartment. He proceeded to order a mixed drink and settled in to his bar stool, catching up on some sports highlights on ESPN. After nearly an hour, the crowd began to filter in, and he got another drink.

A few younger girls (and one beta male) set up shop next to his corner bar stool. Being a cordial chap who hails from Great Britain, he decided to say “hello” and introduce himself. “Good evening, I’m Paul. How are you fine young ladies doing tonight” he said as a conversational ice-breaker.

The first girl, “Alison,” who was already half in the bag, immediately snapped back “Ewww, why are you talking to us??”

Mr. Smythe politely replied “I was just saying hi, as we’re sitting next to one another at the same bar.”

“Alison,” and her friend “Bethany” were busy sending “status updates” to their (so-called) friends about the “older creep” next to them at the bar, when they noticed that Mr. Smythe was dressed somewhat professionally, and wasn’t heads-down on a mobile device. “Where’s your phone, you weirdo?” said Bethany. “And why are you looking us in the eyes? Creepy!” she continued.

Paul responded, “I didn’t bring it with me. My wife said she was fine with the mother in-law, and that she was going to sleep. I felt it wasn’t necessary to bring with me to the bar for a couple drinks.”

“GROSS! Who does that?” said Alison, at which point “Ethan” their metro-sexual friend with no body hair was alerted and rushed over to “intervene.”

“Yo, dude!” said Ethan, “What kind of spooky guy with no phone comes to a bar and talks to my friends? What are you some kind of stalker?” Afterwards, he pushed Mr. Smythe against the wall.

Mr. Smythe, who had little tolerance for stupidity, clocked the beta-male in the jaw with a left-hook and knocked him out cold. The ditzy girls immediately played the “rape card” and claimed that Mr. Smythe had attempted to “sexually assault them” and the bouncers, without any investigation, proceeded to pummel Paul’s face to the ground. He too, was knocked unconscious…

Both men were taken to (criminally illegal) Hoboken University Medical Center for treatment for concussions, scrapes and bruises. “Ethan” was released with no charges, while “Mr. Smythe” was charged with “societal neglect for not carrying a personal distraction device.”

After reading (non-investigative parroting) in the local fish wrap, Mr. Smythe’s wife Penelope filed for divorce due to his “apparent nefarious activity with girls at a local pub.”

Lesson: Stay away from mentally-dim morons at all costs.

Homeless man doomed by human biology

Long-time Hoboken bum “Barney” is no stranger to being “down on his luck.”

Hoboken homeless arrested for exposing himselfHomeless for over nine years (due to his lying ex-wife who took everything he owned), he tried his best living on the streets of the Mile Square City.

As with most displaced individuals, Barney did what he could – spending time at local parks, trying his luck at the local shelter (which has higher standards than Yale), but most often relying on good will and divine providence.

Sadly, “when nature calls” for homeless people – they don’t always have the same options as everyone else (it also doesn’t help they’re drunk and not as agile either).

So earlier this week at Church Square Park, when Barney’s bladder was screaming louder than Aretha Franklin during a gang-bang, he “had to go” in a God-damn hurry. He did not have time to safely find a public restroom.

He chose an area which was the most “private,” and did his business.

However, this caught the eye of a nearby “mom,” who was immediately “outraged” that a mammal was urinating in her view. (Oddly enough six dogs were simultaneously pissing as she had that revelation…)

She phoned the police, and said that the man “exposed himself” to over two-dozen children. God forbid!

Barney, who had done his best to be discreet, was instantly cuffed by HPD and placed under arrest. He will now be ostracized on some kind of child-predator list – and his already shitty life will get even worse.

Next up for the Hoboken City Council: Banning children from seeing their own genitalia (as it is “offensive.”)

Share your {almost real} Hoboken stories!

Like this idea? Want to practice your creative writing? Send your contributions in to hoboken411@gmail.com – and specify how you’d like to be credited.

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Saturday, June 27, 2015 11:28 pm

I believed they were real at first, then I got it. I think I can send a few of my own in! 🙂

Saturday, June 27, 2015 10:29 am

Uhmmm…yeh, OK … these bits are sort of weird. Is there not enough real dumb stuff going on around our fair city? I guess it’s an occasion to roll out the now disfavored “avert your eyes” reaction to things that are unappealing to your senses.

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