Drunks, druggies & derelicts

Same show in Hoboken with different characters

Here’s our first installment of the new {almost real} Hoboken Police Blotter. Proving that it doesn’t matter if it’s really true – as similar instances may have already happened, or eventually will.

almost real Hoboken Police Blotter no difference than reality

(Note: all names and events are fictional – and for the sake of parody.)

Facebook causes drunk fight at Hoboken McDonald’s

girl fight hoboken mcdonaldsAccording to “Police reports,” two Essex County, NJ women were on line at the Hoboken McDonald’s after a night of excessive sugary alcoholic beverages. “Sheila” was said to have shot “nasty looks” at “Alexis,” which amounted to nothing at the time other than “drunk banter.”

This is when the trouble began, as “Sheila” allegedly made a Fakebook post after covertly taking a video of “that fat ass girl pigging out at McDonald’s” which went viral in minutes causing “Alexis” to become irate and confront “Sheila” outside the establishment.

The women, who were already in a sloppy state of dress after the long night got into a bitch-slap match, pulling each other’s hair and eventually falling to the ground, where “Sheila” lost several teeth. Both ladies were handed simple assault tickets and sent on their way. Expect this incident to turn into an escalating “social media retard-fest” in weeks to come. Officials are investigating a potential “friend with a glock” that chimed in on twitter but deleted the post afterward.

Routine traffic stop nets blow for evidence locker

Range Rover Towed Hoboken NJ drug arrestHoboken Police, who claim they don’t “profile” anyone, had pulled over a $120,000 luxury SUV on Newark Street last week, driven by what appeared to be a young man barely capable of holding a job at Jack in The Box.

Claiming the driver was operating the vehicle “erratically” (euphemism for “that don’t look right”), police found a few bags of so-called “drugs” which legislators over time have decreed “illegal,” even though an individual “getting high” is a victimless crime. This cash cow is one of many ways municipalities across the country can pad their six-figure salaries with platinum health benefits and golden retirement parachutes.

“Wesley Smith,” 21, was arrested, financially decimated, and has a longer criminal record than the Affordable Care Act has pages. Expect more of the same from this low-life as the system pushes him through and gives him no other option in life than the lowly “crime” underworld. So much for those nice rims…

Son, you had too much to drink

drunk passes out at Reign hoboken njAt the local downtown “nightclub” Reign this past Saturday, 23 year old “Kenneth Johnson” was reportedly ejected from the venue after consuming 18 shots of tequila, which bartenders apparently had no problems serving to him as long as he could still effectively hand them money. Mr. Johnson was allegedly on a mission to “get revenge” on his ex-girlfriend, who ended the relationship after just dating for three weeks.

When Johnson started seeing triple and began wobbling at the bar, bouncers deemed him financial unable to support the club, and threw him out to make room for other patrons ready to flush their paychecks down the toilet.

This flurry of physical activity caused Mr. Johnson to projectile vomit on several passerby – and re-invigorated his will to consume more alcohol. But security repeatedly denied entrance due to the “technicolor yawn” smeared on his overly tight t-shirt. At this point Mr. Johnson became irate and a minor melee ensued between bouncers and other jugheads. He was knocked out with one slap to the cheek.

Police arrived and officers “drew straws” to see who would “process” the puke-scented toolbag and send him behind bars overnight.

Share your {almost real} Hoboken stories!

Like this idea? Want to practice your creative writing? Send your contributions in to hoboken411@gmail.com – and specify how you’d like to be credited.

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