Life Logistics

Life Logistics – “Live Freer” in Hoboken?

Let’s get the basics out of the way first. Life Logistics is a service company in Hoboken that handles dog walking, package deliveries and dry cleaning pickup. Basically “grunt work,” or “gophers.”

Here’s a video pitch for their services. Watch it, then prepare to “think” a little bit more about this whole concept, OK?

Wow – you’re either delusional, stupid, or both!

Life Logistics Hoboken NJ do you need that much help - Life LogisticsThe fact that ANYONE would ever need ANY of these services proves that people just simply do NOT think logically anymore. If you VOLUNTARILY complicate your life to the point where you now need AUTO-BILLED concierge services to help you “juggle” everything – you’re a sucker without a single doubt.

Let’s break it down a bit.

  1. Dog walker? Hey, we’ve said this already before. No dog should live in an apartment in Hoboken unless they can be with (one of) their owners all day long. Oh, you want your “cute” dog, but can’t fully take care of it? Then you’re not suited to be a dog owner. Only exceptions are vacations.
  2. Dry Cleaning? Really? You can’t get to the cleaners early enough? There is a dry cleaner within 50 yards of every person in Hoboken! Then either do your own laundry or learn to manage your time better. Plus – we even have a 24 hour dry cleaner here in Hoboken. You should never have to pay anyone to do this.
  3. Package delivery? There are many free ways to get your packages. You can have them delivered to your work. You can befriend your local business (even your dry cleaner) to accept packages for you at ZERO charge. But maybe asking yourself if you need what you just bought is probably a better question – or have patience enough to figure out a way to get to a store without the need for costly gopher services.

Finally – ask yourself “what am I going to do with all this TIME I’ve saved?” In that animated video above – you know what the guy does with his new found freedom? He sits in a fucking chair! Really? Is this what our society has come to? Not putting EFFORT into ANYTHING anymore? Look in the mirror people. What have you become?

“Hey, Wha’ Happened?”

If you take a look at Life Logistics “Team” Page – you’ll see something that doesn’t make sense. Jay and Mike may very well be nice guys, but they certainly look over-qualified to be “gophers.” I mean engineering degrees, decades of “supply chain logistic” experiences – and they’re schlepping boxes and dog shit? Someone made a serious occupational error along the way there. Don’t you think after this long you’d be retired and sitting on an island sipping Pina Coladas?

What else should “Life Logistics” do next?

But let’s be fair – and look at the flip-side. People are obviously stupid, and instead of choosing to simplify or get control of their own lives – they have to “outsource” part of it in order to indulge in the “luxuries” and social hobnobbing. Jay and Mike are just filling a niche – and with their corporate-sounding marketing schpeel – they have willfully paying customers.

But what if dog walking, dry cleaning, and UPS boxes isn’t enough? We’ve compiled a nice list of things Life Logistics can add to their menu of services, so they can parlay this gopher-service into a true empire:

Hoboken Council Brow Beating Dave Mello - Life Logistics

  • Kid walking to school while you go back to sleep.
  • Start to run your hot bath while you’re stuck waiting for the 126 bus at Port Authority… again!
  • Secure/Hold a parking spot within 50 feet of your house with a live body (one of our trained associates) pretending to be injured. (Need at least 60 minute notice for this)
  • Scope out bars for hot chicks or sugar daddies while instantly updating their cutting edge mobile app with results. (selfies extra) The money you will save on cover charges and cabs bouncing around town will pay for the annual subscription within the first weekend!
  • Council Meeting representation. They will go to the twice-monthly council meeting on your behalf and brow beat the council with any issue whether it directly affects you or not. “Dave Mello, you’re a fat-skulled talking nincompoop! When will you stop believing your own wretched bullshit?!!”
  • Wait on the Carlo’s Bakery line and notify you when you’re within 5 minutes of entry. (winter months extra) This also part of their “cutting edge” mobile app.

In the free market – it’s all about supply and demand. If Life Logistics is in demand – then good for them! But in the end, it’s kind of sad we would even think twice about needing such a luxury service. Who knows, maybe assistance with eating and pooping is next?

You may also like...

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Monday, March 10, 2014 9:02 am

Maybe people who have lawn services shouldn’t have a lawn? Perhaps you should’t use the post office to send a letter if don’t have time to drive it to it’s destination? Perhaps you should’t use a cell phone if you don’t have time to make it to a land line.
Not sure if I actually need to spell out the point of this for you, these are services to make people who need them’s life easier.
You should be going after people who leave their dogs locked up for 10 hours a day not the people who found a way to fix the problem.

Saturday, February 15, 2014 3:00 am

Until now I never paid much mind to dogs in Hoboken. A few of my friends today were offended about the suggestion that they are bad owners if they live in apartments and require a dog walker. But I see your point. The unnecessary expenditure for a walker, the lonely times the dog has most of the day, urban living for canines just seems unjust. Who cares how many millions of dogs live like this, or how many dog parks or walkers are around.

Although I think if you insist on having dogs in municipalities like Hoboken, maybe two or more would be a better choice so they have companionship throughout the day.

I’ll tell my next friend who’s on the fence about getting a dog, about the $4,000 extra yearly cost for walks (per dog) on top of the food and vet bills. A home with a large yard and someone around during the day does sound more attractive, though.

Friday, February 14, 2014 7:00 pm

I gotta dream up a scheme to automatically bill credit cards!

Friday, February 14, 2014 5:49 pm

The video depicted routine tasks as next to impossible. Walk up stairs? No way! Buy groceries? Forget about it! Open your eyelids? Not gonna happen!

The Professor
The Professor
Friday, February 14, 2014 1:18 pm

A service business like this requires a lot less start up capital. Probably one reason why they dreamed this up. One thing I’ve needed in the past was for someone to “house sit” for me while a repair was being done, etc. while I was at work. That would be a useful service.

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x