[Continuing the Your life back on track article series from Jessica Kasevich of JK Therapy...]

The Honeymoon is Over! Why isn’t this relationship working?

By Jessica Kasevich

It seemed like the best three months of your dating life. You would see each other almost every day. You felt comfortable with her. You could tell him anything. You thought she was the female version of you. He made you laugh more than you had ever laughed before. Never had you shared the same views on religion, politics, and family with another. For the first time you felt HAPPY.

You thought… had all this dating finally paid off? Could this person be the one you would spend the rest of your life with? And then… the three month mark hits.

The person you thought was “perfect” and “ideal” CHANGED or, did you begin to see who they are, and the real issues they carry with them ?

Why does the drama free honeymoon stage of great dinners at Balthazar’s, Broadway shows and weekend getaways end? The Honeymoon ends when trust builds and we start to let the other person see our everyday struggles. They begin to see that our boss never lets us have a day off, or our boiling family conflicts over grandma: Should she go into a nursing home or have 24 hour care at home? And then the typical dilemma one may go through in a new relationship: How can I trust again after being so deeply hurt in the last relationship? Suddenly keeping up the pristine appearance of having it all together for your new guy or gal, seems impossible and it is. This is when the Honeymoon is over.

Why Does the Honeymoon End?

When we allow someone to get to know us and the stressors we are dealing with, they learn how we positively or negatively handle conflicts. They also learn what our unresolved issues are from childhood. These issues impact the present relationship. If we do not allow our girlfriend or boyfriend to see and understand our issues, assumptions will be made about how the relationship is going, leaving both parties on different pages.

For example:

• The stressed out business man comes home from work and goes out to dinner with his girlfriend. Whenever he had a stressful day as a single man he would stay in and keep to himself, as he does not like to socialize when he feels this way. This time he pushed himself to go out because he is fond of this girl, and wanted to spend time with her. On the date, as much as he tries not to let the stress of work inhibit him, he is quiet. He is not as active as he usually is.
• The girlfriend perceives his quietness as him not being interested in her any more. Mr. Boyfriend is not aware that she has learned to associate quiet people with people who are not really interested in spending time with her, due to the way she grew up. He thought the date went well at that he interacted enough. What he did not know was that she grew up as an only child with parents who worked 70 hours plus a week, not providing her adequate attention. She spent most of her time alone from the age of 13 until 23 when she moved out, in silence, wishing her parents would ask about her daily activities.
• The silence at the dinner brought her back to her childhood, remembering what it felt like to desire interaction. She began to think, this is not the dynamic I want to repeat in my adult relationship. “I don’t want to fight for his attention. I did that my whole childhood and I didn’t get anywhere.” She leaves the date thinking that this will be the last, as she wants a man who is more talkative and attentive.

In this example we can see that they are both on different pages because they never communicated their feelings and needs. They both were trying to keep up the pristine image that all of their needs were being met in the relationship, when in fact they weren’t. Who is the one suffering for not advocating for their needs, each one? If you don’t ask for what you want in a relationship you will never get it. Why self your self short?

Technorati Tags: advice, baggage, Column, Couples, Emotions, Hoboken, Jessica Kasevich, JK Therapy, Medication, mochila, New Jersey, NJ, The Honeymoon is over, why isn't our relationship working, Your Life Back on Track

[Continuing the Your life back on track article series from Jessica Kasevich of JK Therapy...]

Obama, what about our broken mental health system?

By Jessica Kasevich

Why are there more shootings today? Are people crazier than when we were kids?

It seems like we are all asking ourselves these questions, trying to understand why shootings occur. How do we solve the problem of the increase in shootings over the years?

Do we get rid of the second amendment?

Do we create laws that limit the amount of screen time children engage in, viewing violence as a form of entertainment? Do we reinstate our mental health institutions that were deinstitutionalized in 1955?

Yes, deinstitutionalization! What is deinstitutionalization? Deinstitutionalization was the process of moving mentally ill patients out of mental institutions, (We all remember One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest) and into the community which started in 1955. The goal was for the government to “save money” on hospitalization costs as they believed outpatient treatment with a therapist and a psychiatrist would be cheaper and more liberating for the patients. They also believed that it would be cheaper to pay this population’s disability benefits to help them pay for their basic needs over costs of an institution. If you are not aware, being severely mentally ill qualifies one to receive disability benefits.

Another influence on the movement for deinstitutionalization was the development of anti-psychotic medications. These new drugs allowed patients the opportunity to overcome their debilitating psychiatric condition and strive to become active members of the community (so was thought by the government at the time). How many people do you know who are severely mentally ill, receive monthly disability benefits and are actively employed?

Ten years after deinstitutionalization began the government realized that mentally ill patients were not getting the services they needed in the community. The government decided to mandate that Community Mental Health Centers (CMHC) become parts of communities to help this population. The government would and has funded these centers since 1965. Just like any other government organization there are cut backs leaving this population in an even more helpless state at present time? For those of you who do not know what a Community Mental Health Center is, there is one located on 3rd and Grand next to St. Francis Church. This CMHC is affiliated with Hoboken University Medical Center.

Technorati Tags: advice, Column, depression, Gun Violence, Hoboken, Jessica Kasevich, JK Therapy, Medication, mental health system, New Jersey, NJ, Pills, Your Life Back on Track

[Continuing the Your life back on track article series from Jessica Kasevich of JK Therapy...]

The First Christmas

By Jessica Kasevich

It was the first Christmas after fifteen years of marriage that they would not be together. The kids were spending this holiday with her. He would have them for New Year’s. As his cell phone beeped from another incoming Merry Christmas text message, he pulled the covers over his head and thought “yeah, what a Merry Christmas this will be. Don’t my friends know not to pick the scab off of such a recent cut, as the divorce was just finalized in November?”

Sure his friends were happy as they would be eating Christmas dinner in their $600k suburban homes with their spouses and kids, instead of sitting alone on a lawn chair in an unfinished one bedroom apartment, with a Hot Pocket and a Heineken.

He had been sleeping an average of fourteen hours a day to avoid the feelings of sadness that started three years ago, when she told him she was having an affair and wanted a divorce. He fought the advice of his friends to talk to a psychiatrist about getting on an antidepressant to help mange the never ending pain from going through a divorce. He did not believe in medication.

He never thought anything was wrong with their marriage. He thought she was happy. He had provided her with a beautiful home, two children and the luxury of raising them as a stay at home mom. Wasn’t this what was suppose to make her happy? Being able to provide this lifestyle for her had fulfilled him beyond any of the expectation he had of marriage.

He had fallen in love with her on the first date and began to call her his princess that night. He fell in love with her passion for life and independence, after hearing of her travels through Europe, South and Central America alone. This independence reminded him of his mother. She had raised his brother and him alone after the car accident.

Sucks: Distraught during Christmastime

Would the feelings of loneliness forever linger? Would he ever trust that someone could love him again and keep the promises of for better or worse? Would the Catholic guilt from his divorce subside, offering him the opportunity to step back into the church to receive the spiritual grace that had always comforted him? Would Christmas ever be his favorite holiday again?

This Christmas all he could think about was how unfair life was. He had been the best husband and father he could have possibly been and yet he has divorced, alone and angry. How could he spend a Christmas morning without watching his children open the gifts that Santa had brought? How did his life get to this point? He was sick of people saying that “time heals all wounds,” especially coming from people who had never been married. The loss he suffered was not only a loss of a wife he thought was his best friend, the ability to spend all his extra time with his children, but also of his ideals on marriage. He never thought he would be divorced.

Theme of the Holiday Season

During the holiday’s feelings of loss are magnified by the theme of the season: family, and the idea that we are suppose to have someone to spend our lives with and who will always loves us.

If this season you are at a loss for a relationship sadness may seem to last for what seems like forever instead of from the beginning of November when Starbucks starts selling pumpkin lattes to the last note of Auld Lang Syne on New Year’s Eve.

How are those who are lonely, recently had a loss, a death in the family, divorce or a breakup supposed to manage this season of joy when all that is felt is sadness?

Road to recovery starts with you

He throws the covers off the bed while looking up at the ceiling asking “God why am I in this difficult place and what do you have planned for me?”

As he swung his legs from the bed onto the floor, he decides to call each of his friends who had messaged him allowing them to provide him with the love and support he needed to get through this day. He thanked them for their Christmas blessings and for also being there for him over the past year. He realized that he could not have gotten through the divorce without their support and for that he was thankful.

He also realized he was thankful that his family and friends did not judge him for his failed marriage or the depression he allowed himself to stay stuck in for way too long. He thanked his friends for constantly listening to his anger over his lawyer’s ability to keep his ex and him fighting in order to pay off his shore house.

The comfort of their voices this Christmas made him feel that he was not alone and that he had people who loved him and would always be there for him even if he had tried to push them away when he was depressed.

How to Deal with Holiday Depression

He managed his depression in a way that may seem impossible for those dealing with loss during the Holidays. He pushed himself out of bed instead of isolating himself. He allowed support and love to come into his life by reaching out to family and friends to make him feel less alone. He fought through the urge to isolate himself.

Isolation is common when one is feeling lonely and depressed and presents in many forms: not picking up the phone when friends reach out, sleeping, not engaging in social or activities one enjoys.

If you find you are reacting to your depression in these ways this holiday season, the season may be difficult to handle.

What are some ways in which you can cope with the holiday blues? You can, REACH OUT to others, pick a friend who can act as your drill sergeant ordering you to, “Get out of bed and go to the gym! Drive to your family’s home! Meet a friend for a cup of coffee!”

A friend’s push can be the first step to the beginning of a happier holiday season. This holiday season be open to receive the gift of the season giving from friends and family!

Technorati Tags: advice, Column, depression, Divorce, Hoboken, Holidays, Isolation, Jessica Kasevich, JK Therapy, New Jersey, NJ, Your Life Back on Track

[Continuing the Your life back on track article series from Jessica Kasevich of JK Therapy...]

How do deal with stress and anguish from Hurricane Sandy

By Jessica Kasevich

Dear Fellow Hobokenites,

I am sorry that many of you have experienced such tragedy as a result of Hurricane Sandy.

It is sad to see our town is in such disarray and our citizens struggling. It is my goal that this letter will help you understand many of the normal feelings that arise as a result of being exposed to such a traumatic event such as Hurricane Sandy, ways in which to manage these feelings and or symptoms and community resources available to you. I hope that this information will decrease any stress you may have and increase your vision for a better future for you, your family and the community of Hoboken.

Many of your are probably feeling STRESSED, tired of wondering if your power and heat will be turned on or wondering how long you will have to wait in line at the gas pumps, hoping that the stressed out motorist plowing through the intersection will stop, wishing for a warm home cooked meal and a hot cup of coffee.

Some of you are dealing with the loss of a loved one, your home, car and possessions. Whatever losses you are dealing with know that it is normal to feel an array of mixed emotions: anger, frustration, fatigue and sadness.

Please monitor these symptoms in the upcoming weeks and months and know that if they persist you may be experiencing Depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and know that this is common after such a horrific and stressful tragedy.

How do you know if you are experiencing Depression or PTSD?

According to the National Center for PTSD the following are symptoms that you are experiencing:

DEPRESSION:

• Feeling sad most of the time
• No longer enjoying activities you use to engage in
• Change in sleeping or eating patterns
• Difficulty concentrating or focusing
• Feeling down on yourself

PTSD:

• Nightmares or flashbacks of the tragic event
• Something you hear, smell or see triggering you to feel like you are reliving the event (police siren)
• Avoiding situations that remind you of the event (Downtown Hoboken, 2nd and Madison) or thoughts, (keeping busy so you don’t think about the trauma you experienced)
• Feeling Numb: Difficulty expressing emotions, not having positive feelings toward others
• Hyper-arousal: Feeling keyed up, trouble sleeping, feeling jumpy

How to decrease onset of Depression and/or PTSD?

According to the National Center for PTSD, Survivors should:

• Decrease exposure to media coverage as watching the events over and over again increasing the likely that one will develop Depression and or PTSD
• Take deep breaths to decrease anger if the feeling surfaces
• Plan ahead for future hurricanes to increase sense of safety
• If children are watching media coverage point out the helping professions, fire fighters, police to increase sense of safety instead of fear
• Solicit questions from children. Fear of the unknown is worse than knowing
• Spend time with others: Social support or lack there of is a major factor in recovery from Depression and PTSD. Those without family or social support have a higher rate of lingered symptoms then those who do

Other Resources:

• If symptoms of Depression and PTSD linger and life becomes difficult to mange it is advisable to seek help from your doctor and or a therapist
• Local support Group in the area The Depression and Bi-Polar Support Alliance located at 880 Bergen Avenue 6th Floor Jersey City. Contact: Randall Goya: rgoya@yahoo.com for more information
• Hoboken University’s Out Patient Mental Health Center: 506 3rd Street Hoboken 201-792-8200

I hope this letter has helped and I welcome the opportunity to get your life back on track by fielding any concerns or questions you may have about Depression or PTSD.

Feel free to contact me at: www.jktherapy.com or via email at Jessica @jktherapy.com

Technorati Tags: advice, Column, depression, Hoboken, Hurricane, Hurricane Sandy, Jessica Kasevich, JK Therapy, New Jersey, NJ, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sandy, stress, Your Life Back on Track

[Continuing the Your life back on track article series from Jessica Kasevich of JK Therapy...]

The Five D’s of Dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge

By Jessica Kasevich

In the United States, dodgeball was primarily played by kids in grammar school ages 6-11 until recently.

About ten years ago, dodgeball hit the young adult community as an intramural sport. The goal of the league was to help its members meet new people and have a little fun after a long day at work. Whether or not grown adults should be playing a grammar school activity is a topic in and of itself, however this piece will focus on what people’s lives could look like if they continue to dodge the bullets of life in adulthood: feelings of being unfulfilled, loneliness and depression.

Psychoanalyst Erik Erikson discusses difficulties achieving certain milestones in Young and Middle Adulthood and how these achievements, or lack there of, impact how ones life plays out.

Erik Erikson (1902-1994) was a neo-Freudian psychoanalyst from Denmark who became a leading figure in the psychosocial study of human growth and development. Erikson organized life into eight stages of development from birth to death. In each of these stages milestones are supposed to be achieved in order for one’s personality to develop positively.

• Birth to 1 year (Trust vs. Mistrust)
• Ages 1-3 (Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt)
• Ages 3-6 (Initiative vs. Guilt)
• Ages 6-Puberty (Industry vs. Inferiority)
• Adolescence to Young Adulthood (Identity vs. Role Confusion)
• Young Adulthood (Intimacy vs. Isolation)
• Middle Adulthood (Generativity vs. Stagnation)
• Senior citizens (Ego Integrity vs. Despair)

If these milestones are not achieved a deficit in ones personality and ability to navigate through life will occur, making it difficult to feel fulfilled.

Even though Erkison breaks these categories up by ages the ultimate goal by the end of one’s life is to achieve these milestones before they reach the final years of their lives.

Continue reading “Dodging the bullets of life…”

Technorati Tags: Adulthood, Al Bundy, Arlene Harder, Charlie Sheen, Dodgeball, Erik Erikson, Hoboken, Homer Simpson, Jessica Kasevich, JK Therapy, New Jersey, NJ, Psychiatry, Recreation, Your Life Back on Track

[Introducing Your life back on track - an article series from Jessica Kasevich of JK Therapy...]

What’s underneath your jersey?

By Jessica Kasevich

Football session in Hoboken fills the streets with men and women showing their team spirit’s by wearing their jerseys.

Fans of the Giants, Jets and non-local teams find their way to their favorite Hoboken bars to support their teams.

Men for the most part see this as an opportunity to bond with their male friends. They drink beer, cheer their team on and sometimes even cry over the games events. Women too venture out for various reasons. Some women cheer their team on as loyal fans.

Some look at this as an opportunity to pick up a man, changing their status from single to coupled.

Women may go to the bars with their boyfriends to claim their status as girlfriends warding off predators. Many couples are fans spending quality time together, emotionally reconnecting after a hectic week. Other women are not fans and accommodate their significant others request to accompany them to the game. There are many different reasons for women to be at the bars for the game.

What does their presence really mean?

What are women’s real reasons for watching football?

Many times women who are true football fans have grown up watching football. They continue this pastime into adulthood. They are not concerned with the dating scene. They may meet their future husband at the bar but are not actively looking for partners. They are there to fulfill their passion for the game.

What do you women fans think of other women who look at the bar scene as a way to meet men while you are trying to enjoy the game?

Some single woman look at football season as a way to meet men at bars. These women usually have well made up faces, carry a designer purse, dresses in jeans, high heels and wear their team of choice foot ball jersey under false pretenses. They really don’t like football. They use the jersey as a commonality to strike up a conversation. (If they replaced the jersey with a shirt it would be a typical Saturday night outfit in Hoboken).

They are well aware of the difficulty of dating in Hoboken, as the ratio of women to men is about four to one. If they go to a bar during a football game the concentration of men is greater, a good strategic move for finding a mate.

Are these single women giving up their identity to find a man, becoming fans for the season? Does it come down to the fear of being alone?

Is it really their fear of taking the time to sit with themselves and learn about who they really are outside of a relationship, “the good the bad and the ugly.” This can also be said for men who are in serial relationships. If people never realize who they are, and what they need in a relationship to make them happy, they will continue to mold themselves into what their partner wants them to be, hence becoming a “Jersey” Girl. One will continue to jump from relationship to relationship, learning what they do not like through negative experiences instead of positive self-reflection.

Claiming your man?

Some women go to the bars to claim their man. “I don’t want another woman talking to my boyfriend.”

These women believe their presence will ward off other women. Maybe the girlfriend’s presence will deter interaction for that day, but what about the other days? If there if fear in the relationship that either partner will seek companionship elsewhere it is imperative to start to rebuild trust together, or to move on and build a trusting relationship with another. Without trust the relationship is filled with anxiety: “Where did he/ she go?” “Who is calling her/him at this hour?” We all deserve to have healthy relationships.

Some women who are not fans go because their boyfriends have asked. They do not mind sacrificing a Sunday afternoon to make their partner happy, because they are emotionally rewarded from the selfless gesture. Stay at home moms can relate to these feelings of happiness they gain from sacrificing for the better of their families. These examples of the give and take in a relationship are healthy. For example, a man may need to miss next week’s game to attend an important event for his significant other. Finding the balance between staying involved in your own activities and spending time together as a couple, even if it involves engaging in activities that may not be to your liking, is imperative to maintain a healthy relationship.

During this football season it is important to ask ourselves why we as women are in the bars: Are we looking for a partner, are we truly fans, are we supporting our significant others or staking our claim? Are we meeting our own needs as single women? Are we waiting for someone to meet them? Are our needs being met in our current relationship?

Ask yourself, underneath that jersey, who are you really and what do you want in a relationship?

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