Christmas Recipe: Tequila Cookies


I’ve seen this email joke passed around before, but Hoboken411 reader “Labby” sent it to me again this year, and I tend to get a kick out of how it all falls apart.

Tequila Cookies


  • 1 cup of dark brown sugar
  • 1 cup (2 sticks) butter
  • 1 cup of granulated sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp fresh lemon juice
  • 1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something, whatever. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table full of that one stuff. Add a spoon of shuga, or somefink. Whatever you can find. It all looks the same.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Pick yourself up off the floor. Try not to giggle, it makes the floor fall out from underneath you. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


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1 Comment on "Christmas Recipe: Tequila Cookies"

8 years 10 months ago

I thought it was ‘Tequila, help ugly women get laid since 1872’?