Holidays and Divorce

[Continuing the Your life back on track article series from Jessica Kasevich of JK Therapy…]

The First Christmas

By Jessica Kasevich

It was the first Christmas after fifteen years of marriage that they would not be together. The kids were spending this holiday with her. He would have them for New Year’s. As his cell phone beeped from another incoming Merry Christmas text message, he pulled the covers over his head and thought “yeah, what a Merry Christmas this will be. Don’t my friends know not to pick the scab off of such a recent cut, as the divorce was just finalized in November?”

Sure his friends were happy as they would be eating Christmas dinner in their $600k suburban homes with their spouses and kids, instead of sitting alone on a lawn chair in an unfinished one bedroom apartment, with a Hot Pocket and a Heineken.

He had been sleeping an average of fourteen hours a day to avoid the feelings of sadness that started three years ago, when she told him she was having an affair and wanted a divorce. He fought the advice of his friends to talk to a psychiatrist about getting on an antidepressant to help mange the never ending pain from going through a divorce. He did not believe in medication.

He never thought anything was wrong with their marriage. He thought she was happy. He had provided her with a beautiful home, two children and the luxury of raising them as a stay at home mom. Wasn’t this what was suppose to make her happy? Being able to provide this lifestyle for her had fulfilled him beyond any of the expectation he had of marriage.

He had fallen in love with her on the first date and began to call her his princess that night. He fell in love with her passion for life and independence, after hearing of her travels through Europe, South and Central America alone. This independence reminded him of his mother. She had raised his brother and him alone after the car accident.

Sucks: Distraught during Christmastime

Would the feelings of loneliness forever linger? Would he ever trust that someone could love him again and keep the promises of for better or worse? Would the Catholic guilt from his divorce subside, offering him the opportunity to step back into the church to receive the spiritual grace that had always comforted him? Would Christmas ever be his favorite holiday again?

This Christmas all he could think about was how unfair life was. He had been the best husband and father he could have possibly been and yet he has divorced, alone and angry. How could he spend a Christmas morning without watching his children open the gifts that Santa had brought? How did his life get to this point? He was sick of people saying that “time heals all wounds,” especially coming from people who had never been married. The loss he suffered was not only a loss of a wife he thought was his best friend, the ability to spend all his extra time with his children, but also of his ideals on marriage. He never thought he would be divorced.

Theme of the Holiday Season

During the holiday’s feelings of loss are magnified by the theme of the season: family, and the idea that we are suppose to have someone to spend our lives with and who will always loves us.

If this season you are at a loss for a relationship sadness may seem to last for what seems like forever instead of from the beginning of November when Starbucks starts selling pumpkin lattes to the last note of Auld Lang Syne on New Year’s Eve.

How are those who are lonely, recently had a loss, a death in the family, divorce or a breakup supposed to manage this season of joy when all that is felt is sadness?

Road to recovery starts with you

He throws the covers off the bed while looking up at the ceiling asking “God why am I in this difficult place and what do you have planned for me?”

As he swung his legs from the bed onto the floor, he decides to call each of his friends who had messaged him allowing them to provide him with the love and support he needed to get through this day. He thanked them for their Christmas blessings and for also being there for him over the past year. He realized that he could not have gotten through the divorce without their support and for that he was thankful.

He also realized he was thankful that his family and friends did not judge him for his failed marriage or the depression he allowed himself to stay stuck in for way too long. He thanked his friends for constantly listening to his anger over his lawyer’s ability to keep his ex and him fighting in order to pay off his shore house.

The comfort of their voices this Christmas made him feel that he was not alone and that he had people who loved him and would always be there for him even if he had tried to push them away when he was depressed.

How to Deal with Holiday Depression

He managed his depression in a way that may seem impossible for those dealing with loss during the Holidays. He pushed himself out of bed instead of isolating himself. He allowed support and love to come into his life by reaching out to family and friends to make him feel less alone. He fought through the urge to isolate himself.

Isolation is common when one is feeling lonely and depressed and presents in many forms: not picking up the phone when friends reach out, sleeping, not engaging in social or activities one enjoys.

If you find you are reacting to your depression in these ways this holiday season, the season may be difficult to handle.

What are some ways in which you can cope with the holiday blues? You can, REACH OUT to others, pick a friend who can act as your drill sergeant ordering you to, “Get out of bed and go to the gym! Drive to your family’s home! Meet a friend for a cup of coffee!”

A friend’s push can be the first step to the beginning of a happier holiday season. This holiday season be open to receive the gift of the season giving from friends and family!

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7 Comments on "Holidays and Divorce"


Member
Chow
2 years 9 months ago

“Sure his friends were happy as they would be eating Christmas dinner in their $600k suburban homes with their spouses and kids, instead of sitting alone on a lawn chair in an unfinished one bedroom apartment, with a Hot Pocket and a Heineken.”

No T.V.? The minimalist style is very hip right now and he does not have to worry

“He never thought anything was wrong with their marriage. He thought she was happy.”

She was happy with the gardener!!!!

Member
2 years 9 months ago

Sounds like are either you are making plans for christmas or are you talking from experience?[quote comment=”218445″]“Sure his friends were happy as they would be eating Christmas dinner in their $600k suburban homes with their spouses and kids, instead of sitting alone on a lawn chair in an unfinished one bedroom apartment, with a Hot Pocket and a Heineken.”No T.V.? The minimalist style is very hip right now and he does not have to worry“He never thought anything was wrong with their marriage. He thought she was happy.”She was happy with the gardener!!!![/quote]

Member
Chow
2 years 9 months ago

Ha Ha Ha Ha… fortunately my wife and kids will be with me this Christmas….

This guy is a sally who needs to rebound and spend some quality time at a strip that is open on Christmas day….. AJ’s in Secaucus is open on Christmas — (drove by on way to outlets). This guy needs a girl with low self-esteem to help build up his own self-esteem. [quote comment=”218447″]Sounds like are either you are making plans for christmas or are you talking from experience?[/quote]

Member
HansBrix
2 years 9 months ago

“This Christmas all he could think about was how unfair life was.”

Unfair life? No. Unfair WIFE and legal system that acts as a force multiplier.

By now family court should be about through with him. He’ll have lost most of his assets, including that “beautiful home” he provided her. He’ll have gotten his pay docked for alimony and mommy support…er….child support, which he better pay even if he gets fired from his job, if the insides of a jail don’t appeal to him. The wife could still accuse him of something bogus and he’ll be denied access to his kids.

All this because SHE decided she wasn’t happy.

And the better he provided the more he’s punished financially.

Because SHE wasn’t happy.

Comfortable life? Retirement? Hahahahahaha. Not any more, pal. No soup for you!

SHE wasn’t happy. Cha-ching!

Member
WokeninBoken
2 years 9 months ago

Depression? It is a state of mind afterall. One must climb out of the negatively spiraling abyss; out of the toilet, onto the tile, back into the living room. Take me for example. My apartment is under the third rail at the Path Station. I got a great deal and what a soothing swim I had. The only wine I can afford is Charles Shaw’s “two buck Chuck” from Trader Joe’s. Oh, I forgot, Trader Joe’s washed away. Well, at least we still have cockroaches and Twinkies. Twinkies went out of business? Oh well, fine dining is overrated anyway. In the spirit of being prepared for the yule tide, I stopped at the RiteAid for condoms, but the lady at the counter said, “what for?” Not to fret, as soon as I get my rat meat cart open on Washington, I’ll be flush. They’ll be all over me in droves. Maybe I’ll even find a woman, too. Hoboken Taxi answered for me the other day, but just to tell me to F off. I walked the promenade instead, but forgot about the collapsed bulkhead. After I climbed out of the Hudson River ice bath, just like the NFL stars, I did some push-ups, but my arm fell off. No big deal, I’m ambidextrous. I made an appointment with the dentist by 12th Street, but my teeth fell out on the way over. A fork got stuck in my eye this morning while I was digging in the garbage at the Malibu Diner. It’s true what they say about Lasic surgery; works great! Now my foot is stuck in a sewer grating on Ninth Street. I’m not concerned. The garbage truck rolling toward me will probably chop it off. What a lucky break that would be. Ouch, it tore off the back of my head, too. Won’t be having to pay for any more of those pesky haircuts. I’ll probably get a discount on the brain surgery too, since it’s already half done. I asked Santa for an infectious disease for Christmas. They say there is no Santa, but I think he is going to come through for me. See, you just have to stay positive.

Happy Holidays, Hoboken!

Member
animal_lover
2 years 9 months ago

I’m wondering if their could be a more proactive step to take so one would could select their mate more consciously and build an honorable agreement. The “economic divorces” of the times are quite revealing. Triaging after the fact is like bei g an ambulance chaser.

Member
HansBrix
2 years 9 months ago

I don’t think people will ever stop marrying the wrong people or for the wrong reasons. When emotion clouds rational thought there is seldom a chance to get in a contrary message.

Marriage is a lot like a business. People should ask themselves if they would go into business with that person. Do they make good decisions? Can they manage their own lives properly? Are they guided by whimsy or consider themselves a “free spirit”? There are often clear red flags which often stir up anger when talked about.

Theme: if they seem likely to mess up their own lives they WILL do the same to you.

“He fell in love with her passion for life and independence, after hearing of her travels through Europe, South and Central America alone. “

Just how did she pull that off economically? Debt? Daddy? “Her own money” is the only correct answer and only if she was prudent enough to simultaneously save a decent amount for the future & retirement. I doubt it though. Something tells me she doesn’t think about life beyond the next 5 minutes unless she’s planning a trip.

There should be a mandatory Pre-Cana-like session, or series of sessions to walk people through the financial perils of marriage (“Divorce Theft 101″ we can call it). It should include real case studies from their jurisdiction. Certain organizations will be sure to express bitter opposition but the savvy can just use that to illustrate the need. [quote comment=”218489”]I’m wondering if their could be a more proactive step to take so one would could select their mate more consciously and build an honorable agreement. The “economic divorces” of the times are quite revealing. Triaging after the fact is like bei g an ambulance chaser.[/quote]