Hoboken Dating, Lying and Omissions
[This post is part of the “A Love Affair with Hoboken” series written by resident Lara Kaplan Hanson…]
When Dating, is Omission a Lie?
Since the epic breakup with my boyfriend of five years, I have spent the last two years very slowly getting back into the dating scene. This is no easy or quick feat.
For all the issues I had with my boyfriend of five years, the one thing I never had to worry about was lying. We knew everything about each other, had all the same friends, and had a very open honest relationship. Since the breakup though, I have began to wonder if he was the only honest guy out there.
The first person I dated post break up had a very story book intro. Everyday we boarded the same subway car, exited the same stop, and made the same turns on the way to work. One day, stopped by a red light at a cross walk, I turned to him and said: “I’m Lara.” He laughed and gave his name. We had literally been taking the same route for two months noticing each other, but never said anything. It turned out he worked on my block, and lived two blocks from me in Astoria.
He asked for my number and we went for a drink. That drink turned into a month of dinner and drinks. However, there was something wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew there was something off. Finally, I called him one night, and I asked if he was married. I don’t know how I knew, I just did. He explained that they were separated, but living together.
WHAT?? Are you kidding me?? Do I have chump written on my forehead? Apparently so. He invited me to his house to explain. I went over more out of curiosity and to put him in his place than anything else. I listened to the explanation trying to be understanding, but I was appalled that he still wanted to date!
See the rest of the story after the jump…
I asked him, “How on earth could I ever date someone who I know is a liar?” His response…”well, you never asked, so it wasn’t a lie.” Did I really need to ask? Shouldn’t this be the first thing brought to someone’s attention?
I was baffled. I told him we could stay friends, but that was it. A year and a half later we are still friendly, but I still cannot believe he lied about this.
A few months later I moved to Hoboken. Out one night, I met a guy at a bar who made me laugh. There is no quicker way to my heart than laughter, and I liked him immediately. He walked me home, we exchanged numbers, and we made plans to hang out at a future date. The next day I go to do some facebook sleuthing only to see that his status is “married” !?!?! WTH!?!?! I sent him a passive aggressive message wishing him luck with his marriage and recommending he seek counseling.
Surpisingly, I got a note back. He explained that while he was still married, he was in the process of getting a divorce. I was shocked this had happened twice. I wondered why he hadn’t just been up front. He qualified this by saying that he didn’t think it was important to mention since we had just met. I disagreed. This is the first thing that should be mentioned. And, not saying something is an absolute lie. He disagreed with my analysis.
For sanity sake, I went and polled my guy friends at work to get their take. “Do you think omitting the truth is a lie? And, not being straightforward about being married is deceitful?” To my surprise there was no consensus.
Please, someone explain to me how this is not a lie?
If someone is married, divorced, separated, is this not the is the first thing they should tell a prospective romantic interest?