Hoboken Dating, Lying and Omissions

2/14/2011:

[This post is part of the “A Love Affair with Hoboken” series written by resident Lara Kaplan Hanson…]

When Dating, is Omission a Lie?

Since the epic breakup with my boyfriend of five years, I have spent the last two years very slowly getting back into the dating scene. This is no easy or quick feat.

For all the issues I had with my boyfriend of five years, the one thing I never had to worry about was lying. We knew everything about each other, had all the same friends, and had a very open honest relationship. Since the breakup though, I have began to wonder if he was the only honest guy out there.

The first person I dated post break up had a very story book intro. Everyday we boarded the same subway car, exited the same stop, and made the same turns on the way to work. One day, stopped by a red light at a cross walk, I turned to him and said: “I’m Lara.” He laughed and gave his name. We had literally been taking the same route for two months noticing each other, but never said anything. It turned out he worked on my block, and lived two blocks from me in Astoria.

He asked for my number and we went for a drink. That drink turned into a month of dinner and drinks. However, there was something wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew there was something off. Finally, I called him one night, and I asked if he was married. I don’t know how I knew, I just did. He explained that they were separated, but living together.

WHAT?? Are you kidding me?? Do I have chump written on my forehead? Apparently so. He invited me to his house to explain. I went over more out of curiosity and to put him in his place than anything else. I listened to the explanation trying to be understanding, but I was appalled that he still wanted to date!

See the rest of the story after the jump…

I asked him, “How on earth could I ever date someone who I know is a liar?” His response…”well, you never asked, so it wasn’t a lie.” Did I really need to ask? Shouldn’t this be the first thing brought to someone’s attention?

I was baffled. I told him we could stay friends, but that was it. A year and a half later we are still friendly, but I still cannot believe he lied about this.

A few months later I moved to Hoboken. Out one night, I met a guy at a bar who made me laugh. There is no quicker way to my heart than laughter, and I liked him immediately. He walked me home, we exchanged numbers, and we made plans to hang out at a future date. The next day I go to do some facebook sleuthing only to see that his status is “married” !?!?! WTH!?!?! I sent him a passive aggressive message wishing him luck with his marriage and recommending he seek counseling.

Surpisingly, I got a note back. He explained that while he was still married, he was in the process of getting a divorce. I was shocked this had happened twice. I wondered why he hadn’t just been up front. He qualified this by saying that he didn’t think it was important to mention since we had just met. I disagreed. This is the first thing that should be mentioned. And, not saying something is an absolute lie. He disagreed with my analysis.

For sanity sake, I went and polled my guy friends at work to get their take. “Do you think omitting the truth is a lie? And, not being straightforward about being married is deceitful?” To my surprise there was no consensus.

Please, someone explain to me how this is not a lie?

If someone is married, divorced, separated, is this not the is the first thing they should tell a prospective romantic interest?

Leave a Reply

14 Comments on "Hoboken Dating, Lying and Omissions"

homeworld
Member

She should go on a date with Jobless Josh.

GetMeABeer
Member
GetMeABeer

But Jobless Josh has nothing to offer.

My advice. Stop searching. Date your guy friends instead of polling them with stupid questions like do you think this guy is married. Don’t try to rationalize it all with replies like, but he’s so cute and he has a job, and someone at least married him, so he can’t be that bad. Then finally, settle.
[quote comment=”203477″]She should go on a date with Jobless Josh.[/quote]

MiaLife
Member
MiaLife

Well depends on the person Lara……. I do agree with nothing worst than a lie…. I know this lady married to this person, shall we say he a player… He even takes his bit on the side to uk with him,and he takes her and his poor wife to same places…. I mean what sort of women would do that to some other man wife Lara….. I mean after reading all about your life in above comments you wouldn’t do that would you…. How can you be in a room with this man and his wife and know your sleeping with him and his wife just sitting there…. People are very strange don’t you think… They post comments on here then go do same thing to some other women…. Don’t you think if your sleeping with a married man you should have the balls to tell his wife….what you both planning… What if the man even your. Boss … Who has a rich wife. Hmmmmmm tricky one now… I mean he lose all his money then …[quote comment=”203481″]But Jobless Josh has nothing to offer.My advice. Stop searching. Date your guy friends instead of polling them with stupid questions like do you think this guy is married. Don’t try to rationalize it all with replies like, but he’s so cute and he has a job, and someone at least married him, so he can’t be that bad. Then finally, settle.[/quote]

mooshu
Member
mooshu

Am I the only one who finds an introduction like

Tom: Hi, I’m Tom.
Dick: Hi, I’m Divorced Dick.
:: Shake hands ::

… kind of weird? I understand if a person who is taking you seriously is lying to you, but someone you just met for a few minutes at a bus stop or something?

I think some of us rush way to quickly into an idealized relationship with super-high hopes and expectations.

Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed by sleaze bags.

Dperez
Member
Dperez

People lie, plain and simple. Also, I agree that no one is going to reveal their life’s baggage on the first date. Who the hell would really want to hear it anyway? The last thing I would want to hear on a first date is a man’s life story about being broke and having erectile disfunction. Major deal breaker! LOL

elainetyger
Member
elainetyger

When you get past age 40, there are very few people you’ll meet whose status during the previous 5 years is completely uncomplicated, no matter what they put on facebook. People’s lives don’t always follow the timeline you want or expect. The first guy should have disclosed to her, because they met every night for a month, and ya think it might have come up. The second guy, though, probably did nothing wrong. When was the last time he logged into facebook to even look at it let alone change his status?

I went past the jump to see what happened when she went to the first house to hear the explanation and was disappointed not to find out: Was the exwife/nonexroommate there? Did she corroborate the story?

If I was looking for a boyfriend and didn’t want a married guy, I might *ask* up front. There are 1000 cute charming ways to find out how available a stranger is.

mooshu
Member
mooshu

Um, two things:

1. I don’t think anyone deserves the life story of another during the first five minutes of a meeting in which contact information is exchanged.

2. I think women need to stop playing victim in the dating realm and instead take some responsibility for their love lives, especially in this day and age when computers make getting to know someone’s baggage rather quickly. If you find out the object of your affections is married, get this, how about leaving that person alone (unless, of course, you’re a homewrecker).

The time you take obsessing over married men and what they did/said to you is time you’ll never get back.

wpDiscuz