Stupid People (get arrested)

Stupid People (get arrested for stupid things!)

Here’s our latest installment of the {almost real} Hoboken Police Blotter. Proving that it doesn’t matter if it’s really true – as similar instances may have already happened, or eventually will.

hoboken-police-blotter-suspicious

(Note: all names and events are fictional – and for the sake of parody.)

Common Household Items scare the bejeezus out of snowflakes

An entire block of Bloomfield Street was shut down for hours earlier this week due to “terror” concerns.

Nearby residents were “alarmed” because they spotted a suitcase in the garbage.

Apparently, a steady dose of “fake news” and thousands of scary TV shows like “24” have led all people to think that “bombs” are contained in anything left outside.

Police were called (dozens showed up for this empty suitcase), as well as bomb-sniffing dogs, bomb robots, and the coffee and donut food trucks. They dragged out the “investigation” enough to earn substantial overtime at the expense of property taxpayers. “Ka-Ching,” said one officer who asked for anonymity.

The police “Twitter Chief” sent out messages “thanking” the cops for providing exactly NO VALUE other than the coddling of sensitive neighbors who ventured out of their safe spaces.

(This actually happened in Jersey City recently…)

Arrested for child support non-payment – for 73 children!

29-year-old Randal Smith was apprehended by Hoboken Police for a scary rap sheet of “lack of child support payments” for most of the 73 children he produced with dozens of various “women.”

Apparently, according to the inept Hudson County court system, they determined he owed $73,000 per month to various “moms” that had given birth to his children. They had no clue of the related cases, and demanded that Mr. Smith pay $1,000 per month for each child born out of wedlock.

“These bitches were just horny – ain’t my problem they got knocked up!” proclaimed Mr. Smith.

“And how in the hell do these Judges expect me to pay that when I don’t have a job?” Smith uttered.

No comment was offered from officials.

“They ought to pay ME for my evolutionary skillz, not put me in the pen!”

Smith was issued a “warning,” expecting him to get with the payments, or face possible future trials. “F*k those trials,” Smith said, “They always land me back on the streets anyway!”

The cases are filed in the “perpetually pending” file according to county officials who requested anonymity.

Share your {almost real} Hoboken stories!

Like this idea? Want to practice your creative writing? Send your contributions in to hoboken411@gmail.com – and specify how you’d like to be credited.

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