Single in Hoboken?

1/11/2008:

They’re everywhere. You just need to stop looking so hard.

hoboken-singles.jpgThis entry was going to be a basic “reader mail” segment from a Hoboken411 reader who was asking “where do the 30-40 year-old men hang out in Hoboken?”

I found it to be too simple, and it would probably create more questions than answers. So let’s expand on the topic and make it even more complicated.

After reading the email again, I was a bit mystified that this girl (who is a friend of mine) would ask such a question! Like some kind of “super-double-secret” formula is out there waiting to be solved.

Below are some random relationship opinions I have.

I feel that she should realize that single, available members of society don’t just “hang out” in a select few places from time to time, they’re everywhere!

  • When it comes to relationships, I believe that the harder you try, the less satisfied you’re going to be. Going on that “eternal quest” reeks of desperation, and it can create monsters out of some people. Just live your life normally, with daily contentment, personal goals, achievements, and you’d be surprised at the constant opportunities that will cross your path.
  • Get a hobby! How many people do you know spend most of their week planning the next single hunt? Obsessed with where they’re going, who is talking with them, txting, emailing, etc? They’re professional daters, and pretty much have nothing to talk about. Boring people with minimal substance often stay single for a long time, and are constantly in the revolving door of relationships. And “working out” doesn’t qualify as a hobby, unless you’re some kind of professional fitness person. Plus, having something to talk about other than Britney Spears’ latest fiasco would help you a lot.
  • Look at yourself (without a mirror). You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Many folks try so hard to please others (financially, intimately, etc.) that they often overlook themselves. You should be true to yourself first and foremost.
  • Peacock effect. I’ve seen countless people obsessed with their external appearance (clothing, fitness, style) that they forget it’s what’s inside that counts in the long run. Unless you’re only in search of short-term physical encounters, other facets of your life should take priority. That’s not saying you should balloon like Artie did.
  • I don’t like Control freaks. Some people are meant to have dominant/submissive relationships, while most others aren’t. I’ve witnessed many relationships go down the tube because one person is trying to mold the other into this “ideal mate.” Controlling their friends, where and when they can go out, and so on. I personally believe acceptance of another human being (the good and the bad) gives you the best chance for a long-term engagement.
  • Keeping up with the Joneses. I hate when I see competitive couples. Whether it’s the guy or the girl always bragging about something their “super great” other half did, in an effort to “one-up” their friends. Who cares?
  • Be an individual, for Christ’s sake! One thing I cannot stand is, when you’re speaking to a person (who is 1/2 of a particular relationship,) and they speak in the “we” tone constantly. I was at the dog park talking to a person (whose S.O. wasn’t even there,) and each time I had a question about HER dog, she always replied “yeah, well we did this, and we like that, and we thought about this…” WHO IS WE? I’m talking to YOU dumbass! Speak for yourself! Do you take a crap together too?
  • hoboken-relationships-2.jpg

  • Break from the pack. A lot of times I see groups of people going out with the intention to meet someone else.

    Often times, however, they stay in their circle of friends, hoping some guy or girl approaches them. By standing with your back to the crowd in some kind of protective pack doesn’t necessarily send an invitation beacon out to many people. Those same people can even get offended if someone wants to introduce themselves (especially if they’re not a specific “type” – don’t go shooting yourself in the foot, you never know who they’re friends are!) Best bet is to be open and approachable to everyone in a social environment. It’s just common courtesy, right?

  • They’re everywhere. When you’re single, you can consider each and every second of your life an opportunity to meet someone. On the sidewalk. On line at the supermarket, mall, post office, train station, or dog park. The problem is, many folks think that only certain places (like a bar or gym) are the “hot spots” and they focus all their energy on looking good for those select moments. They might feel too shy or bashful, or not made-up enough, or not in the right outfit at all other times. Open your eyes, people!
  • But it’s ok to be single! I can BET that we all know someone who is perpetually in and out of relationships. Never alone. Afraid to be alone. Going from “in love” to being hurt constantly. His or her (more her, than his) life is a daily drama or soap opera. Her life revolves around whomever she’s dating, recently met, or is having trouble with. What ever happened to people choosing to be without a partner for a while? Maybe to focus on something for themselves? Or to be a bit more selective?
  • Super picky people aiming too high. It’s one thing to be somewhat selective about personality, sense of humor, intelligence, and so on, because those are things you’d have to live with if you chose to marry them. And of course, we all have our general preferences as to what we find attractive. But some people are beyond narrow-minded and selective. Asians, or tall men, or large-breasted females, or perfect bodies. Ever thought that your “ideal mate” is pretty much out of your league?
  • Assholes and douchebags are everywhere. But so are great people. Even bars that are considered “guido hangouts,” “meat markets,” or even “dive bars” can often get a bad rap because they’re stereotyped as only attracting certain caliber individuals. Expand your horizons, look everywhere. Don’t just go to the places your friends tell you are “great places to meet guys.” Plus, if you keep going to the same dopey bar, you’ll quickly be categorized as the “perpetually single” or “always on the prowl” person, and that’s not a good label to have. You’ll become an easy target for the more skilled hook-up artist.

I just realized this post is crap. What the hell am I talking about? Does any of this make sense?

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25 Comments on "Single in Hoboken?"

mooshu
Member
mooshu

An oldie but still a goodie :mrgreen:. And I agree with the points above: people place FAR too much focus on the “what” of another and not the “who”. And then they miss out on hysterically laughing at the stupidest sh*t with a truly special someone.

Tama Murden
Member

Re 21. At the risk of further pushing your buttons, you seem to have missed my point, pretty completely.

And if my intent was to patronize, I wouldn’t have prefaced my remarks w/IMHO.

Too bad if calling you out leaves you feeling p.o.’d.

Surely feel free to diagnose yourself—just not others w/out sufficient knowledge of the person, in tandem w/appropriate expertise.

Do hope your plantar fascitis has heeled. But are you sure it wasn’t your Achilles heel? From your post, that still seems awfully tender…. šŸ™‚

Colonblow
Member
Colonblow

[quote comment=”61748″]I’m clearly unqualified to have any idea of what I’m talking about.[/quote]

You are correct, you don’t. And Tama Murden is also correct in her assessment, whether professional or otherwise.

HansBrix
Member
HansBrix

#21 do you have any idea how pretentious you sound?

Iā€™d suggest exercising caution before assigning psychiatric diagnoses. Especially since it would appear that you are not a qualified mental health professional. (And if you are, quite unprofessional to be tossing around clinical terminology so casually.

And I’d suggest that maybe you take yourself a little less seriously.

You know, once I had plantar fasciitis. Another time I had Iliotibial Band Syndrome. Self-diagnosed in fact based on something I read in a George Sheehan book. I’ll be careful never to use clinical terms like these again since only paid professionals have any business using them. I’m clearly unqualified to have any idea of what I’m talking about.

Tama Murden
Member

Re 19., 20.: IMHO, I’d suggest exercising caution before assigning psychiatric diagnoses. Especially since it would appear that you are not a qualified mental health professional. (And if you are, quite unprofessional to be tossing around clinical terminology so casually.)

If you want to discuss someone’s alarming/disturbing behavior, that’s one thing. But labelling someone with Borderline Personality Disorder—a serious & stigmatizing
mental illness with complex differential diagnostic criteria—veers into territory I suspect you have no business entering.

And 16.’s “announcement,” that prompted the subsequent discussion of BPD, is beyond inappropriate. To list this woman’s name/address/workplace, in tandem w/allegedly disturbing behavior…whatever is s/he thinking? (And for the record, most folks coping with full-blown BPD cannot maintain gainful employment.)

If anything, entry 16. demonstrates a significant violation of boundaries—itself a behavior often associated with borderline personality features. Note, please, that no diagnosis is being assigned—simply pointing out an apparent ex. of “the pot calling the kettle black,” couched in the guise of protecting others from this woman’s allegedly frightening behavior.

Stepping off the soapbox, with the hope that this thread can be a more productive discussion about positive ways to approach “the dating game.”

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